Most Recent Manzai Show

On August 30th, Gaijin Dantai (that is my Japanese comedy group for those of you who don't keep up) performed at a cafe in Jiyuu ga Oka. Here is a clip of our Encore performance that anyone can enjoy no matter what language they speak.

Illegally blogging while boss is at lunch!!!

OK, so I have a bit of time, cuz have nothing to do and the boss is at lunch, so here is: This Week's Adventures in Engrish Resume-land

They just don't stop...

I learned international relations in the topic of fair trade and new clear power issues.
**That is how we can get people to accept nuclear power, change the name to “new clear,” sounds like something fun!**

Course especialist in Electronic machine science

Even though my major was Economics, I was more interested in English class.
**Cool…why is this on your resume?**

・Plan the interesting stuff for the woman through the internet business.
・Provide excellent clerical support for corporate stuff
** stuff= not a good word to use in a resume...**

I am to marry soon.(next month or later)
**“Once I get a fiancé…”**

Managed a data-modeling and client’s requirement definition project in a managerial consolidated accounting area for a non-life insurance company.
**so…is that insurance for dead people, in case they come back to life?**

QUALIFICARIONS & SKILLSFluent in English (TOEIC980, TOEFL600)
**No, NOT fluent in English!**

Bilingual Desktop Support
1: 2.5 years of helpdesk in world top 5 PC maker.
2: Fluent English & native Japanese.
3: High quality customer support.
4: Quick learner of new technology.
5: 2500 yen/h or 5 million/y.
6: early birds catch the worm!
**Only #6 is funny, but I thought the build up is important. FYI in Japanese he says ⑥できるだけ朝早く始まる仕事 (Want a job that starts early in the morning, if possible.) OK Japan, please stop trying to use idioms if you don't understand the meaning, thanks.**

Something to keep you entertained...

until I have internet access again...
I am moving today to a new, awesome place...but that means I will not have the internets for 2 weeks...it takes forever for them to come hook it up in Japan. So, 2 things until I can be back online:

1. I have gotten a lot of questions about "How do you move in Japan?" Well, they have moving companies just like in the States, so it is basically exactly the same. But for how I move...well since I had to pay over 2 grand for move in fees (1st months rent + security deposit + "reikin," which is money that you have to pay the landlord for the privilege of behind allowed to pay them rent and you never get back + realtor fees (yes, the person moving pays them in Japan, not the seller) so, four months rent up front) Plus I had to buy a fridge, washing machine, bed. So, I do not use the moving company...I move a super heavy suitcase on my own, and then send the rest of my stuff with the cheapest package delivery system. Unfortunately couldn't get boxes big enough to fit my TV and shelves, so had to fashiong some Franken-boxes out of cut-up cardboard and lots and lots of packing tape...So that is how I move...with lots of sweat and sore muscles to save a few bucks. (In the US, this is actually how a lot of ppl move I think, but aparently not so in Japan, because everyone was staring at me like I was a crazy person as I lugged my suitcase down the street to my new apartment...whatever, either get out my way or help!)

2. I was reading through some English resumes written by Japanese people at work and thought I would share some of the hilarity. (note, any personally defining information has been removed, so it is NOT illegal for me to post this)

Aggressive and hungry sales activities to get sales quota and actually DID it.

To make your worldwide service valuable, suitable and useful for Japanese market, my experience and skills working in localization team as Translation Project Manager (TPM) would be of intrinsic value.
--Aparently this person has already been working there?...intrinsic?

Graduated from (name deleted) 8th elemental school
--is that like the sequal to The Fifth Element?

Passed 2rd Class Bookkeeper

This last guy has the best resume EVER-- he could totally turn this into a metal song or one of those '80s fantasy movies:

With a burning desire, seeking a breakthrough opportunity to get my feet on the real career ladder—a position exciting and rewarding enough to fully wield my potential. To make it happen, invincibly determined to:
1. Valiantly launch my new career in any given, challenging fields of business;
2. Truly commit myself to success with significance for the company;
3. Eagerly fulfill loyalty to and trust in success of the company.

I. Can develop and drive to execution an ambitious scale of projects. The following are to epitomize my aptitude and power making me unrivaled:

· An innate sense of absolute commitment with an avid passion for making things happen;
· A resourceful and hardheaded, strategic mind for mapping out the roadmap to the best result possible;
· High-caliber leadership ability in integrating, motivating and driving a group of selected people to a single objective.

What all the above have yielded can be illustrated with the following accomplishments during my past profession as Commander-in-Chief as well as a front-line soldier.

--Wait, is this George Bushes resume? He does need to get a new job now...

OK, so that is all until after Sept. 13th. If you need to contact me, please note that I will only be able to check my email at work, so if you send a message on the weekend, I will not get it until the following Monday.

I have been really busy lately, starting my new job and apartment hunting (I am moving on the 30th...need to pack!) So just a quick update with a couple things.

First, my friend was in Hokkaido for the G8 summit and she brought me back a souvenier:

It is a lighter with a picture of all the heads of state who attended naked, washing eachother's backs before getting into the bath. Did i mention they are naked (with little towels covering their junk, but still) and please remember that Germany's is a woman. Oh if you can't tell because the picture is a bit blurry, that is GW in the front of the line being washed by Japan's PM Fukuda...political statement by the lighter?

Also, my new job is going well-- I like going to work and coming home at the same time everyday, and I LOVE having Saturday off and being able to wear casual clothes to work. I also like when my boss tells me that I don't have to lock the office door when I am leaving because he will lock it after me, but what is says is, "Sarah, you don't have to rock." Well, I'm sorry sir but yes, yes I do. I do have to rock, and rock hard...I can't help it, that is just what I do.

Sarah's Super Lame Commercial

After all that hot onion juice I suffered through...they decided not to use my eating face...

Version one: What city is the best? *the out of synch audio is due to the conversion when I uploaded it*

Version two: Which country's food is the best?

I'm In a Commercial!!!

Yes, just like the title says, I got a job to be in a CM (thats what we call commercials in Japan). The filming was on a Wednesday, but since I was on sick leave for work, I was able to do it. That's right, having mono wasn't gonna stop me from getting on TV, making $300 and a bunch of connections! (luckily I didn't have any lines...cuz my throat was pretty bad)

To preface the events of the day, I should mention that this ad is in English, because it is for a travel agency that is aimed at foreigners living in Japan...but it was written, directed, and filmed by Japanese people...yes, there will be ridiculousness.

The day of the shoot started with me getting up at 5am because I had to travel for over an hour to get to the salon they were using for the 8am hair/make-up call. The woman who did my make-up kept say, "wow, you are white" "you are so white" "your skin is really white." So, finally I had had enough and said, "Well, I am caucasian." Which, in Japanese is literally the kanji for "white" and "person." She didn't seem to get the joke though, and said, "yeah, us Japanese are yellow, right?" Woah! I DID NOT say that! I was talking about my own race only...no harm there...OK? She also decided that my carefully plucked eyebrows were no good, and drew on big, brown ones...apparently foreigners have big bushy eyebrows. Also, apparently, foreigners need big, Laura Bush-esque hairdooz.

Next, the producer, or whoever he was (no one actually introduced me to anyone...) asked to see the clothing I had brought with (we could wear our own) and then proceeded to ask the other japanese people, "Which one will make her look most like a foreigner?" Um...how about you let the foreigner decide what the foreigner will wear? If you dress me up like your Japanese idea of what a "foreigner" should look like...yeah, not gonna appeal to actual foreigners. Finally, they decided what I was wearing was the best (yeah, that is why I was wearing it, thanks.)

After everyone (the rest of the cast included a Canadian guy, Scottish guy (named Scott), Chinese guy, and an African-American girl...yep I can guess why she got the part with the line and not me...they love those "exotic black people"...oh Japan, not realizing how racist you are...)was gathered and made-up, we headed to the travel agency's office in Kabukicho...hmmm...(that would be the red-light district) to film the end of the CM when we all go to the travel agency to decide where we want to go on our trip.

Next, it was time for lunch, and guess where they brought us? The HardRock Cafe...um, I guess foreigners who live in Japan love American pop culture? I ordered an overpriced blue cheese burger, but could only manage to choke done a fourth of it (on account of the mono) but luckily, since HR is "American style," I could take the rest home, and a week later, could finally finish it off...that's right nothing is gonna stop me from eating the $18 burger I got for free!

Then, it was time to film the main part of the CM at an izakaya. The premise of the CM is "5 foreigners are at an izakaya, arguing about whose country is the best." So, the other American was supposed to be from California, the Canadian was supposed to be French (though he was NOT French-Canadian), and the Chinese guy was supposed to be Chinese--what a stretch. I felt kinda bad for the Chinese guy though, because his line was in English, but he does NOT speak English...at least that made his accent believable; unlike the "French" accent. Now, while the really fake French accent at the right place and time can be hilarious...this guy just couldn't do a legitimate accent, and as a result, every French person who sees this CM and hears: "I like-a zee Japoneze food-o, but-a Furenchhh iz-a zee best-a" is going to be extremely offended and boycott the travel agency. (FYI Japan: French people don't like to be made fun of.)

Not that I have stellar acting skills by any means, but anyone who has seen a Japanese TV show or movie with a foreign "actor" in it (and these people do call themselves "actors") knows the calliber of talent available here. (Although I do admit having a legitimately talented actor for a sister does tend to make me a bit harsh when it comes to judging others' acting ability) Basically just think of all the "theater" kids you knew in high school and you know what the foreign actors in Japan are like.

Although I didn't have a line, I did have my own part: they filmed me eating...or as they said, "we want to film your eating face." Fabulous...the camera already adds 10 pounds, now everyone is gonna see me stuffing my face...just like the fat foreigner I am... Anyway, I had to "take really big bite" of piping-hot spring onion ("two at a time is better") and chew with a seductive smile on my face (the only part they were filming was my mouth). By the 4th take, my eyes were watering from the boiling liquid on my swollen tonsils, and they decided they had a take they could use. OK...ever heard of using prop food? It doesn't actually have to be hot! You can cool it down first, OK? But, on the other hand the beer was real too and they actually let us drink it, so I guess ya win some ya lose some.

Finally, after everyone had filmed there individual part, it was time for the climax of the CM...when we all jump up and start screaming at each other (cuz that is what foreigners do when they have a disagreement). There are actually 2 versions--one were we argue about what country has the best food and one where we argue about what city is the best...so, the CM will go something like this:

Version 1

Fake French Accent: I like Japanese food, but French is the best.

Californian: What are you talking about (extremely over-done eye-roll) burgers are the BEST.

Chinese dude: No way! Chinese food is number one!

He slams down his beer and we all jump up and start yelling.

Version 2

Fake French Accent: I like Tokyo, but Paris is the best.

Californian: What are you talking about (extremely over-done eye-roll) New York is the BEST. (*wait a minute, I thought you were from California!?)

Chinese dude: No way! Beijing is number one!

(*Go Beijing Olympics 2008!!! Chinese people who see this will deffinately use the travel agency)

He slams down his beer and we all jump up and start yelling.

Since I didn't have an individual line, I decided I would be from Finland, so when we were all arguing I just kept saying, "You guys don't know anything, Finland is the best!"

All in all it was a good experience AND I made some $$. Also, the Scottish guy who was the other extra and I got along really well, and we spent our down time talking about what a douche Fake French guy was and how crazy all the Japanese staff were. He was also kind enough to send me this behind-the-scenes photo he took of me and the director, who is telling me to put super hot onions in my mouth.

The ad will be playing on CNN Japan, which is a cable channel, which means I don't get it. But, I will see if I can get a copy somehow, and try to post it in the future.

Forgot to mention...

I saw an add for a new beverage on the train, and knew I had to try it ASAP, luky for me the 99 yen shop had just stocked it!

Yes, "Lucky Cider," "with kirakira sparkle." In Japanese, kirakira is a mimetic expression used to describe things like sparkling lights, twinkling stars, etc. So, really they are saying: Lucky Cider with Sparkly Sparkly Sparkle.

So why is is lucky? Well, on the back the dolphin explains: "Lucky Cider has a fruity fragrance, and carbonation to make your heart bounce." Whoa! Wait a minute...is it safe to drink? It does indeed have a fruity fragrance and a taste that is pretty much like any other cider.

In the TV ad, a girl in a yukata gives a bottle of lucky cider to a boy, and they sit on the beach drinking it...so I guess that why it's "lucky." But, I still can't figure out...why a dolphin?!