Long Awaited Update

So, I was in North America (MN, WI, Toronto, LA) for a month from the end of June to the end of July. I had a great time visiting family and friends, many of who I hadn't seen for 2 years! But, since this blog is supposed to be about my life in Japan, I won't go into details here. Interested parties can see pictures of my trip on Facebook. Also, while I was visiting, I got yelled at by many people for not updated this blog enough...whine, whine, whine...so, here you go, I hope you are happy knowing that I am sitting in front of my heat-spewing computer in the middle of muggy Japanese summer with nothing by a mini-fan to cool off, sweating to bring you this post.

I haven't been doing too much since I've been back...catching up on work, going to the beach for body surfing and sun burns, and hanging out with friend. One highlight from the other day: I inadvertently found a new way to kill cockroaches--death by washing machine! I don't know it got in there on its own, or was in the pile of clothes I put in or if it was dead or alive at the time I started the machine, all I know is that as I was hanging my laundry I found the decapitated head and then later the body, some legs, bits of wing...you get the disgusting picture. I wouldn't recommend trying it at home, unless you have really good vomit control.

After that exciting adventure, I found something awesome in the convenience store: US "street" themed Pringles! The one I got was "LA Street--BBQ Chicken," which was delicious BTW. Other flavors include "NY Street--Cheese Dog" and, breaking with the "street" theme, "American Flavor--Hamburger."

Why didn't I spend my time in LA rollerblading around eating BBQ chicken wraps!? Next time... The girl on the can's speech bubble says "limited time only!" Hooray!

So that's pretty much all the interesting things as of late...Oh, but check out this really cool blog I found, definitely worth following: http://penispants-in-nihon.blogspot.com/

The Glorious Nation of Penispants

Continuing my trend of updating about once per month...I swear I will try to do better, OK Mom?

Those who know me, know that I always enjoy coming up with new and funnier ways to make people laugh (AKA mess with people and laugh at them, knowing that, if they were in on the joke, they'd be laughing too.)

Recently, I have created an on-going gag that, I humbly believe, tops anything else I have ever said. I'm talking, of course, about my home country, the Glorious Nation of Penispants.

Let me start by explaining how I created this gag:

In February, some friends and I went to the annual sake festival in Niigata. We had such a blast last year that we wanted to go again. Based on last years experience, however, we knew that this event, which is basically a 2-day-all-you-can-drink-sake-for-$20 booze extravaganza, is rife with old, drunken Japanese men who like to try to talk to foreigners, sometimes very close to our faces, in mostly incoherent Engrish. In order to dissuade these chatty Cathies, I decided that, since we were all wearing funny hats and mine had cat ears, whenever a drunkard asked, "Where you from?" I would simply reply, "I'm a cat!" in English and refuse to say anything else. This worked quite well for a while, causing people to first become confused ("What is Cats?") and then losing interest and leaving me alone. Then, I met a drunken old man who just wouldn't take "I'm a cat!" for an answer. Inspiration struck and this conversation ensued:

Drunken Old Japanese Man: Where you from?
Me: Penis
DOJM: Peeniisu?
My Friend: Like in your pants?
DOJM: ??
Me: Yes, Penispants. (In Japanese) I'm from Penispants.
DOJM: I don't know Penispants.
Me: It's an Eastern European country that was formed when the Soviet block collapsed.
DOJM: Ohhhhhh. I've never heard of it before.
Me: Yeah, most people haven't--its a really small country. But if you google it, you can find a map easily.
DOJM: OK, here, could you write the name down for me? I want to look it up went I get home!

And thus, the Glorious Nation of Penispants was born. It works so well because nobody knows all of those ex-soviet countries-- I mean, I'm pretty sure Romania has never even heard of the Republic of Moldova. I can only imagine what that guy thought went he did a google search...(find out the google results for yourself here: http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4SNYI_enJP307JP307&q=penispants )

After that, my friends all got in on the game, too. We spoke only Japanese and Penitspansian, so we had the perfect excuse not to speak to people in English. We met a lot more people who were super excited to meet people from a real Eastern European country, hear us speak our native language, and even sing a traditional Penispants drinking song. We even fooled a group of American frat-boys who spoke no Japanese OR Penispantsian, but did want to take their picture with us.

After the sake festival, I have been telling people I am from Penispants on a number of other occasions, such as at "hanami" (traditional Japanese cherry blossom viewing party AKA the nation of Japan's excuse to get drunk and loud outside). My new nationality also came in extremely handing when a couple of Christian missionaries came to the door. Normally, if you tell them you can't speak Japanese, they still don't go away--they just open up their list of languages they have pamphlets in--but, unfortunately for them, Penispantsian was NOT on their list. Interestingly, when I told them I was from an Eastern European country, they assumed I must be a mail-order bride--but went I told them that I'm not married and am here for work, I'm pretty sure they thought that I'm a hostess/prostitute. At any rate, they haven't been back since, so FYI feel free to use the Penispants excuse when those types come to call.

Unemployed in Japan

So, since I lost my job-- due to the "current economic situation"-- you would think I would have a lot of time to update my blog. While that may be true...I have a lot less interesting things to blog about...

So, because I was paying unemploymet insurance at my last job, I am eligible to receive money from the government for 90 days, or until I find a new job. In order to get it though, I have to jump through a bunch of hoops at the unemploymet office. But, since I am not working, I really have nothing better to do, so I'm not complaining. Especially since the Japanese unemployment office is, like everything else here, just a little bit ridiculous.

First off, the actual, official name of the Japanese government-run unemployment office is "Hello Work." And that is NOT a translation, they write it in katakana, but that is what the say in Japanese too, "harou waaku." Yes, it is like if the unemployment office in the US were called "Hola Trabajo."

Also, FYI, if you do not read, write, and speak Japanese, DO NOT lose your job in Japan. They have absolutely zero support in English. Not on the website, in the information booklets, or God-forbid from the people that work there. There weren't even English (or any other) subtitles on the information video everyone had to watch, even though they did have a Japanese sign-language interpreter in a little bubble on the bottom of the screen. This is especially important since recently many of the construction/factory workers who are immigrants from South America, Asia, etc. are losing there jobs, and though they may speak Japanese, the literacy rate isn't super high. Hey, maybe I can suggest to them that they need to get everything translated and should hire me to do it!

Anyway, a week after filing the paper work to declare unemployment, I had to attend a 2-hour long information session that included a poorly designed power-point, a ridiculous instructional video, and an explaination of the unemployment instruction book we received. Basically what I learned was that in order to get a new job, I first need to decide that I want a new job, and should then write a resume that lists my experiences, and then send that resume to apply to open positions that I am interested in. Oh, also if you tell a prospective employer that you are just planning to find a husband and quit your job to be a housewife as soon as you possibly can, you may have a difficult time getting hired.

Also, in order to receive the unemployment benefits you must prove that, yes, you are still unemployed and that you are actively looking for work. The latter can be shown by doing things like attending a resume writting session, job seminar, applying to a position through the Hello Work system, going to a job interview, etc. Things like looking at a newspaper or the internet to find a job do not count. (you need to do at least 2 things per month) Well, I only apply to jobs on the internet...so I was a bit panicked. However, when I asked the presenter about it afterwards and explained that I had already applied to some jobs online but was not contacted for an interview, he assured me that as long as you apply and don't literally just "look" at internet job listings that is fine...so really no actual proof is needed other than me writing down "I applied for xxx job on xxx date." In other words, you would have to be a complete idiot to not write down that you applied for a job even if you did only look at the internet, and in that case you probably are not going to be hired anytime soon so you really do need that unemployment money.

Also, if you do work at all while you are receiving unemployment you MUST declare how much and when, because you can not receive the daily allowance for that day. And you MUST NOT fail to declare ANY work you do or misrepresent how much you earned because, "everything you do is tracked by the Hello Work computers and if you write down anything false, it will be easily found out." Yeah...those all- powerful, all-knowing computers are gonna get me...unless....I get paid in...C-A-S-H!

"Spot the Stereotype" Answers + Newest Manzai Video

The long awaited answers to what American stereotypes I was portraying in my Halloween Costume!

1. Red, White, & Blue "patriotic" clothing.
2. Blond hair. (although that could just be any foreigner in Japan)
3. McDonald's takeout.
4. Burger King takeout.
5. Gun.
6. Wads of cash. (that I threw around recklessly)
7. Low-cut shirt. (American's are skanky)
8. American flag on my person.

And for extra-credit the awesome joke:
My sash says, "David Bowie is afraid of me." It is a joke because I am an American, and David Bowie is "Afraid of Americans." If you still don't get it, google it and download the song/album.

Those were the things I was going for, but some people thought of some really good ones that I hadn't even considered, such as: "An over weight American that needs suspenders to hold up her pants." "A gung-ho war mongrel with that thumbs-up and fierce face." Good job!

Also, here is a video from my most recent manzai performance (in November). Unfortunately, I don't think this dance is as funny as "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was...I think we set the bar too high the first time cuz it is very difficult thinking of songs that are as awesomely danceable at that one...
Also, while last time my suspenders made my boobs look huge...this time they make my bottom half looks huge...not quite as flattering.

OBAMA OBAMA!!!! plus Halloween

First off, I just want to say how pleased I am that I can actually be proud of being American for the first time in years...if fact I have never felt more patriotic (which is saying a lot because I have never been one to show much "spirit" whether it is for my school or my country.) Also, my mom will be happy, because I can actually visit the States during the next 4 years.

It was around 1pm on Wednesday in Japan and I was at work when I heard the good news. My friend, who was lucky enough to be able to take some time off of work to watch the election coverage called me at my work number and surprised me with the victory anouncement (it was so surprising because we weren't expecting any actual decision until 3pm or so). When she said, "Guess who our new president is!" I shouted "REALLY!!!!" into the phone before realizing my boss was still there... (don't worry, I didn't get in trouble or anything).

Needless to say, after work 3 of my good friends and I went partying! First, we met in Shibuya, and my friend surprised us by whipping out 4 mini-bottles of champagne, which we drank on our way to dinner at the most American place in town...TGI Fridays. There, after carefully considering what Obama would eat, we feasted on such American delicacies as Jack Daniel's babyback ribs and deep-fried mac'n'cheese (we are pretty sure Obama loves deep-fried mac'n'cheese.) After our hearty "American size" dinner, we bought some beer from the convenience store and set out to drink in front of every American thing in Shibuya, while searching for an actual American bar.

Our stops consisted of: McDonald's, KFC, the Apple Store, the Disney Store, Starbucks, and a Christmas tree (which, according to Japan, comes from America). We also ran into 2 different guys wearing Obama shirts-- one was from Kenya, the other from Nigeria-- which is kinda funny because they weren't American, but it was nice to be able to see the support and celebrate with people from all over the world.

Unfortunately, we weren't finding any American bars, so we ended up asking at the police box...but the cop there said he had never heard of one of those, so in the end we went to a British pub and were told there definitely are none in Shibuya. The pub, however, had very delicious beer brewed on premises, and even some other Americans there to celebrate with, so it was still fun. Also, if anyone knows Latvian, let me know what "obama" means in that language, because when I said "Obama" to this one guy, who I later found out was from Latvia, he started talking to me in Latvian because he thought I was speaking Latvian...I just kept saying "Obama!" and he just kept saying stuff in Latvian.
**UPDATE**
I found out that a word sounding similar to "Obama" in Latvian means "Hello." So, the Latvian guy must of thought I just kept saying "Hello, Hello" to him.

After a pint at the pub, one of the bartenders at the clued us in to the existance of a funky, out of the way "American Diner" that was nearby, so we headed there next. The interior wasn't very reminiscent of the States, but they had very authentic curly fries and nachos (I mean the fake cheese kind-- VERY authentic, and delicious). I also tried to order some "Obama," but it took the waiter a while to get the joke, and I don't think he thought it was very funny.

So, that was the end of our Obamafest, but did I mention that this whole time we had been shouting chants of "Obama! Obama!" (espcially when we saw foreigners who looked American), breaking into songs like "Oh Obama, you're so fine! You're so fine, you blow my mind, Obama! Hey, hey! Obama, hey hey!" and "B-A-R-A-C-K Obama, night! B-A-R-A-C-K Obama, night!" and saying things like "Obama-gozaimasu" (instead of arigatou-gozaimasu).

Hope everyone else had a fun election night too! (or as we say in Japan, "erection night" heh heh.)


Back-tracking a bit, to Halloween, I went as an "Amercan" (like to way Bush says the word). Basically portraying all the stereotypes people from other countries (and even our own) have of the States. Please see picture below:

Now I challenge you to play "Spot the Stereotype." The rules are simple, see how many Amercan stereotypes (from all over the world) you can spot. I had some others, like a burger-king crown, Uncle Sam hat, a Venti Starbucks cup (that I drank my beer out of), and heart-shaped picture of Sarah Palin on my back, but you can't see those in the picture (well, if you look closely the crown is there, so thats a freebie). In the picture there are 8, plus one awesome joke, that only cool people will get (only 2 people got it on Halloween). If you can guess all 8, you win...absolutly nothing! Well, bragging rights, I guess. I will reveal the correct answers in my next post.

Most Recent Manzai Show

On August 30th, Gaijin Dantai (that is my Japanese comedy group for those of you who don't keep up) performed at a cafe in Jiyuu ga Oka. Here is a clip of our Encore performance that anyone can enjoy no matter what language they speak.

Illegally blogging while boss is at lunch!!!

OK, so I have a bit of time, cuz have nothing to do and the boss is at lunch, so here is: This Week's Adventures in Engrish Resume-land

They just don't stop...

I learned international relations in the topic of fair trade and new clear power issues.
**That is how we can get people to accept nuclear power, change the name to “new clear,” sounds like something fun!**

Course especialist in Electronic machine science

Even though my major was Economics, I was more interested in English class.
**Cool…why is this on your resume?**

・Plan the interesting stuff for the woman through the internet business.
・Provide excellent clerical support for corporate stuff
** stuff= not a good word to use in a resume...**

I am to marry soon.(next month or later)
**“Once I get a fiancé…”**

Managed a data-modeling and client’s requirement definition project in a managerial consolidated accounting area for a non-life insurance company.
**so…is that insurance for dead people, in case they come back to life?**

QUALIFICARIONS & SKILLSFluent in English (TOEIC980, TOEFL600)
**No, NOT fluent in English!**

Bilingual Desktop Support
1: 2.5 years of helpdesk in world top 5 PC maker.
2: Fluent English & native Japanese.
3: High quality customer support.
4: Quick learner of new technology.
5: 2500 yen/h or 5 million/y.
6: early birds catch the worm!
**Only #6 is funny, but I thought the build up is important. FYI in Japanese he says ⑥できるだけ朝早く始まる仕事 (Want a job that starts early in the morning, if possible.) OK Japan, please stop trying to use idioms if you don't understand the meaning, thanks.**