Something to keep you entertained...

until I have internet access again...
I am moving today to a new, awesome place...but that means I will not have the internets for 2 weeks...it takes forever for them to come hook it up in Japan. So, 2 things until I can be back online:

1. I have gotten a lot of questions about "How do you move in Japan?" Well, they have moving companies just like in the States, so it is basically exactly the same. But for how I move...well since I had to pay over 2 grand for move in fees (1st months rent + security deposit + "reikin," which is money that you have to pay the landlord for the privilege of behind allowed to pay them rent and you never get back + realtor fees (yes, the person moving pays them in Japan, not the seller) so, four months rent up front) Plus I had to buy a fridge, washing machine, bed. So, I do not use the moving company...I move a super heavy suitcase on my own, and then send the rest of my stuff with the cheapest package delivery system. Unfortunately couldn't get boxes big enough to fit my TV and shelves, so had to fashiong some Franken-boxes out of cut-up cardboard and lots and lots of packing tape...So that is how I move...with lots of sweat and sore muscles to save a few bucks. (In the US, this is actually how a lot of ppl move I think, but aparently not so in Japan, because everyone was staring at me like I was a crazy person as I lugged my suitcase down the street to my new apartment...whatever, either get out my way or help!)

2. I was reading through some English resumes written by Japanese people at work and thought I would share some of the hilarity. (note, any personally defining information has been removed, so it is NOT illegal for me to post this)

Aggressive and hungry sales activities to get sales quota and actually DID it.

To make your worldwide service valuable, suitable and useful for Japanese market, my experience and skills working in localization team as Translation Project Manager (TPM) would be of intrinsic value.
--Aparently this person has already been working there?...intrinsic?

Graduated from (name deleted) 8th elemental school
--is that like the sequal to The Fifth Element?

Passed 2rd Class Bookkeeper

This last guy has the best resume EVER-- he could totally turn this into a metal song or one of those '80s fantasy movies:

With a burning desire, seeking a breakthrough opportunity to get my feet on the real career ladder—a position exciting and rewarding enough to fully wield my potential. To make it happen, invincibly determined to:
1. Valiantly launch my new career in any given, challenging fields of business;
2. Truly commit myself to success with significance for the company;
3. Eagerly fulfill loyalty to and trust in success of the company.

I. Can develop and drive to execution an ambitious scale of projects. The following are to epitomize my aptitude and power making me unrivaled:

· An innate sense of absolute commitment with an avid passion for making things happen;
· A resourceful and hardheaded, strategic mind for mapping out the roadmap to the best result possible;
· High-caliber leadership ability in integrating, motivating and driving a group of selected people to a single objective.

What all the above have yielded can be illustrated with the following accomplishments during my past profession as Commander-in-Chief as well as a front-line soldier.

--Wait, is this George Bushes resume? He does need to get a new job now...

OK, so that is all until after Sept. 13th. If you need to contact me, please note that I will only be able to check my email at work, so if you send a message on the weekend, I will not get it until the following Monday.

I have been really busy lately, starting my new job and apartment hunting (I am moving on the 30th...need to pack!) So just a quick update with a couple things.

First, my friend was in Hokkaido for the G8 summit and she brought me back a souvenier:

It is a lighter with a picture of all the heads of state who attended naked, washing eachother's backs before getting into the bath. Did i mention they are naked (with little towels covering their junk, but still) and please remember that Germany's is a woman. Oh if you can't tell because the picture is a bit blurry, that is GW in the front of the line being washed by Japan's PM Fukuda...political statement by the lighter?

Also, my new job is going well-- I like going to work and coming home at the same time everyday, and I LOVE having Saturday off and being able to wear casual clothes to work. I also like when my boss tells me that I don't have to lock the office door when I am leaving because he will lock it after me, but what is says is, "Sarah, you don't have to rock." Well, I'm sorry sir but yes, yes I do. I do have to rock, and rock hard...I can't help it, that is just what I do.

Sarah's Super Lame Commercial

After all that hot onion juice I suffered through...they decided not to use my eating face...

Version one: What city is the best? *the out of synch audio is due to the conversion when I uploaded it*

Version two: Which country's food is the best?

I'm In a Commercial!!!

Yes, just like the title says, I got a job to be in a CM (thats what we call commercials in Japan). The filming was on a Wednesday, but since I was on sick leave for work, I was able to do it. That's right, having mono wasn't gonna stop me from getting on TV, making $300 and a bunch of connections! (luckily I didn't have any lines...cuz my throat was pretty bad)

To preface the events of the day, I should mention that this ad is in English, because it is for a travel agency that is aimed at foreigners living in Japan...but it was written, directed, and filmed by Japanese people...yes, there will be ridiculousness.

The day of the shoot started with me getting up at 5am because I had to travel for over an hour to get to the salon they were using for the 8am hair/make-up call. The woman who did my make-up kept say, "wow, you are white" "you are so white" "your skin is really white." So, finally I had had enough and said, "Well, I am caucasian." Which, in Japanese is literally the kanji for "white" and "person." She didn't seem to get the joke though, and said, "yeah, us Japanese are yellow, right?" Woah! I DID NOT say that! I was talking about my own race only...no harm there...OK? She also decided that my carefully plucked eyebrows were no good, and drew on big, brown ones...apparently foreigners have big bushy eyebrows. Also, apparently, foreigners need big, Laura Bush-esque hairdooz.

Next, the producer, or whoever he was (no one actually introduced me to anyone...) asked to see the clothing I had brought with (we could wear our own) and then proceeded to ask the other japanese people, "Which one will make her look most like a foreigner?" Um...how about you let the foreigner decide what the foreigner will wear? If you dress me up like your Japanese idea of what a "foreigner" should look like...yeah, not gonna appeal to actual foreigners. Finally, they decided what I was wearing was the best (yeah, that is why I was wearing it, thanks.)

After everyone (the rest of the cast included a Canadian guy, Scottish guy (named Scott), Chinese guy, and an African-American girl...yep I can guess why she got the part with the line and not me...they love those "exotic black people"...oh Japan, not realizing how racist you are...)was gathered and made-up, we headed to the travel agency's office in Kabukicho...hmmm...(that would be the red-light district) to film the end of the CM when we all go to the travel agency to decide where we want to go on our trip.

Next, it was time for lunch, and guess where they brought us? The HardRock Cafe...um, I guess foreigners who live in Japan love American pop culture? I ordered an overpriced blue cheese burger, but could only manage to choke done a fourth of it (on account of the mono) but luckily, since HR is "American style," I could take the rest home, and a week later, could finally finish it off...that's right nothing is gonna stop me from eating the $18 burger I got for free!

Then, it was time to film the main part of the CM at an izakaya. The premise of the CM is "5 foreigners are at an izakaya, arguing about whose country is the best." So, the other American was supposed to be from California, the Canadian was supposed to be French (though he was NOT French-Canadian), and the Chinese guy was supposed to be Chinese--what a stretch. I felt kinda bad for the Chinese guy though, because his line was in English, but he does NOT speak English...at least that made his accent believable; unlike the "French" accent. Now, while the really fake French accent at the right place and time can be hilarious...this guy just couldn't do a legitimate accent, and as a result, every French person who sees this CM and hears: "I like-a zee Japoneze food-o, but-a Furenchhh iz-a zee best-a" is going to be extremely offended and boycott the travel agency. (FYI Japan: French people don't like to be made fun of.)

Not that I have stellar acting skills by any means, but anyone who has seen a Japanese TV show or movie with a foreign "actor" in it (and these people do call themselves "actors") knows the calliber of talent available here. (Although I do admit having a legitimately talented actor for a sister does tend to make me a bit harsh when it comes to judging others' acting ability) Basically just think of all the "theater" kids you knew in high school and you know what the foreign actors in Japan are like.

Although I didn't have a line, I did have my own part: they filmed me eating...or as they said, "we want to film your eating face." Fabulous...the camera already adds 10 pounds, now everyone is gonna see me stuffing my face...just like the fat foreigner I am... Anyway, I had to "take really big bite" of piping-hot spring onion ("two at a time is better") and chew with a seductive smile on my face (the only part they were filming was my mouth). By the 4th take, my eyes were watering from the boiling liquid on my swollen tonsils, and they decided they had a take they could use. OK...ever heard of using prop food? It doesn't actually have to be hot! You can cool it down first, OK? But, on the other hand the beer was real too and they actually let us drink it, so I guess ya win some ya lose some.

Finally, after everyone had filmed there individual part, it was time for the climax of the CM...when we all jump up and start screaming at each other (cuz that is what foreigners do when they have a disagreement). There are actually 2 versions--one were we argue about what country has the best food and one where we argue about what city is the best...so, the CM will go something like this:

Version 1

Fake French Accent: I like Japanese food, but French is the best.

Californian: What are you talking about (extremely over-done eye-roll) burgers are the BEST.

Chinese dude: No way! Chinese food is number one!

He slams down his beer and we all jump up and start yelling.

Version 2

Fake French Accent: I like Tokyo, but Paris is the best.

Californian: What are you talking about (extremely over-done eye-roll) New York is the BEST. (*wait a minute, I thought you were from California!?)

Chinese dude: No way! Beijing is number one!

(*Go Beijing Olympics 2008!!! Chinese people who see this will deffinately use the travel agency)

He slams down his beer and we all jump up and start yelling.

Since I didn't have an individual line, I decided I would be from Finland, so when we were all arguing I just kept saying, "You guys don't know anything, Finland is the best!"

All in all it was a good experience AND I made some $$. Also, the Scottish guy who was the other extra and I got along really well, and we spent our down time talking about what a douche Fake French guy was and how crazy all the Japanese staff were. He was also kind enough to send me this behind-the-scenes photo he took of me and the director, who is telling me to put super hot onions in my mouth.

The ad will be playing on CNN Japan, which is a cable channel, which means I don't get it. But, I will see if I can get a copy somehow, and try to post it in the future.

Forgot to mention...

I saw an add for a new beverage on the train, and knew I had to try it ASAP, luky for me the 99 yen shop had just stocked it!

Yes, "Lucky Cider," "with kirakira sparkle." In Japanese, kirakira is a mimetic expression used to describe things like sparkling lights, twinkling stars, etc. So, really they are saying: Lucky Cider with Sparkly Sparkly Sparkle.

So why is is lucky? Well, on the back the dolphin explains: "Lucky Cider has a fruity fragrance, and carbonation to make your heart bounce." Whoa! Wait a minute...is it safe to drink? It does indeed have a fruity fragrance and a taste that is pretty much like any other cider.

In the TV ad, a girl in a yukata gives a bottle of lucky cider to a boy, and they sit on the beach drinking it...so I guess that why it's "lucky." But, I still can't figure out...why a dolphin?!

****NEWS FLASH****

This just in!

I was watching the 5pm news the other day, and there was a very urgent and shocking story that was being covered on every channel... Some guy was standing on a bridge over a river (don't remember which one...and it doesn't matter), when he saw...something...it wasn't a fish...it was AT LEAST 3 meters long...it deffinately wasn't a fish, there aren't fish that big in the river, what could it possibly be? It must have been...A CROCODILE!!!!!! AND there are elementary schools located near the river! OMG!!! There is a crocodile swimming up and down the river, plotting to attack school children!!!!

OK...lets slow down for a sec Japanese news...why exactly do you think there is a crocodile loose in the river? What was your proof again, oh, yeah, the only proof you have is that some random guy said he saw something that was too big to be a fish swimming in the river. So of course, it could only be a crocodile, right? Oh wait, except CROCODILES AREN'T NATIVE TO JAPAN! Did the zoo call, saying a crocodile escaped? No? Cuz I think they would probably put out an APB on that shit right away if it happened.

So, one completely random guy "says" he saw something big in the river and every news station is suddenly in a panic about a crocodile on the loose. One station had a reporter walking around the river, trying to find the alleged croc. He thought he saw it at one point, but "oh, wait, nevermind...its just a big fish."

If they thought it was Godzilla's baby or the creature from "The Host" come down to visit from Korea, I would buy it. But a crocodile? So, what, it swam up all the way from Australia? Following that one afternoon of panic, I didn't hear anymore news about it...not a single mention the next day. So, they probably finally realized that there was no crocodile, just some drunk guy who saw a log.

I'm a little bit scared now, I mean Japanese TV has always been ridiculous, but I have always at least kinda trusted the news...I mean, it is the news. Even if it is biased and/or sensationalized at times, it delivers actual facts for my consideration...or at least that's what I thought. Now, I don't know who to trust anymore...are newspapers still OK? In other news, here are some other ridiculous things happening on Japanese TV recently:

There is a show called "Gakkou e ikou! MAX!" ("Let's go to school! MAX!") hosted by the Johnny's boy band V6. One new segment is the "Ikemen oo Contest" or "Hot-guy something something Contest" (the type of contest changes each time, but it is always 'hot-guy' competing. I saw the "sleeping face" contest...and it was amazing! They had all these self-proclaimed 'hotties' lay on futons in a big room, waited for them to fall asleep and then checked to see if they were still hot while they slept, including snore-check. Long story short...even the hottest of guy is most likely NOT attractive while sleeping with their mouth open, drooling, snoring, legs splayed, or any combination there of. The guy who actually ended up winning was an AD (Assistant Director) who fell asleep sitting against the wall. Anyway, a good 15 mins. of non-stop laughter.

Oh yeah, super sexy...

Next, there is a long-running magical girl anime called "Precure," which is basically "Sailor Moon" for the new generation, very popular with little girls, including my roommates 5 year old niece, which is where I got this info. In the show the 5 girls all transform into super heros with names based on what color they are (like Mint, Lemonade, Aqua...can you guess what color), all except the pink one, whose name is "Dream" yeah, OK. But, I'm getting away from the point. There are also 3 guys who are their friends and who change into cute, fuzzy little animals...or they are animals that turn into attractive young men...don't really get which. Anyway, one of the guys is a squirrel...and his name is, ready? NUTS.

It's funny, because his name is slang for part of the male anatomy.

Moving on, I saw another show aimed at children where ninjas try to teach them right from wrong. (This is live-action, by the way) The episode I saw had the two teams of ninjas competing in a mime contest (not a typo) in order to win a scroll that would teach them a moral lesson. The lesson of the show was: "Don't touch people, unless you have their express permission." and "Don't make degrading comments to people about their appearance (like, 'hahaha, you're so fat!)" I have one question: Why isn't this show being shown to every school child from kindergarten to high school, or better yet every single person in Japan should be forced to watch this! Kids, and adults, are constantly groping each other!!!! And everybody is always saying stuff like, "Oh, looks like you gained weight!" or "I see you have a zit on your forhead." This is a tactless, no understanding of personal space society! I applaud the ninjas' efforts, but unfortunately fear it is too little, too late.

On a variety news program (basically a show where they talk about several topics and various talents say what they think about it/show their surprise at some interesting fact) I was watching the other day, they were talking about proving that aliens exist. They had this "scientist" on, who had concrete proof of life outside of our planet. His proof was: tube worms. Tube worms live in the very deepest parts of the ocean, where there are volcanos spewing toxic black fumes and 300 celcius degree water. The surface of Jupiter's moon, Europa, is covered with the same sort of environment. Therefore, tube worms MUST also live on Europa. OK...that sounds like the "If Chewbacca is a wookie, you must aquit" Chewbacca defense to me. Or in other words, the fallacy post hoc ergo propter hoc...thank you high school English class. He then went on to describe the other aliens that exist including details of what they look like. There are the giant, 6-legged 6-toed crab creatures that also live on Europa and eat the tube worms. Then, there are the starfish-like creatures that have appendages that look like fern leave, which they use to collect bacteria from the air to eat that live on Neptune's moon, Titan. And the most exciting, in another solar system, on a planet that is very similar to earth there are giant-brained, long-limbed beings that look like jellyfish floating above the ground and communicate through electrical impulses that light up their gianormus, jelly encased brains. And, what proof does this "scientist" have? None. Zero. He gave absolutely no proof or reasoning whatsoever, and the audience was amazed! Well, at least it wasn't on the "real" news.

The new drama season has started, and aside from the 5-- yes-- 5, police detective dramas, there is a doctor drama starring one of Johnny's favorite idols, Tomohisa Yamashita, or Yamapi for short. The show is about young doctors who are on a fellowship to try to earn a space working as a helicopter doctor (like the doctor who goes to accident scenes by chopper and bring patients back to the hospital.) It is called "Code Blue: Doctor Heli Emergency Rescue." The name of the helicopter is also "DoctorHeli." For real? Now I wanna go to a Japanese hospital and find the landing pad. It is actually pretty good, kinda like "Gray's Anatomy," but without all the sex...cuz that is deffinately not going on in Japanese hospital...yeah right...all the female doctors would be all up in Yamapi's shit...

I'd ride in your helicopter anytime, Yamapi.

Finally, I was watching a quiz show today. At the end of the show, they have a song performance by some of the participants (who are actually singers) to promote their new single. Today's performance was by the new unit, "Aladdin" that is made up of girl band Pabo and boy band Shushishin. The song is called "陽は、また昇る" or "Positiveness will rise again." Clad in rainbow-colored, samba-esque costumes, some of the most memorable lines they sang were: "Let's go, Japan! We are a smart Country! We thought of cup ramen, can coffee, and karaoke!" "We also thought of 'turtle tawashi' (a type of scrub brush), a long time ago!" "Let's go, Japanese Salary men!!!!"

Take two ridiculous "bands" add some fruity-ass costumes and have them sing a song about how great Japan is...they will deffinately become the new royal family here.

Aaaand, I think that pretty much sums it up.

Irish Pub

A couple weeks before I got sick, my friend V and I decided we wanted to go to some bars for a change...as opposed to Japanese style "izakayas" where you just sit with the people you came with. We wanted to talk to random people and bartenders! She ended up coming to my neck of the woods, Yokohama and we went to an Irish pub called The Green Sheep. True to their name, they have a giant inflatable green sheep outside. Of course this is an "Irish pub" as it is run by Japanese people, which actually makes it better, in my opinion.


When we arrived, it was super full, and we were gruffly told by the one whitey waiter, "You'll have to sit at the bar..." Um...yeah, that is perfect because we wanted to sit at the bar, watcha getting all uptight bout, buddy? So we got to sit right next to where the waitstaff drop off and pick up orders, which means lots of opportunities to harass the staff, hahahahaha.


The first people we talked with were some American military guys who were in Yokohama for special training. One of the guys came over with a Japanese guy they had been drinking with and started saying stuff to V (who is Asian, but from Canada, and does not speak much Japanese) in Japanese...until finally I said, "she's not Japanese!" Then the guy was like, "Oh, well why am I speaking Japanese then, haha" and the Japanese guy was like, "Oh, so I guess you don't need a translator then, I'm gonna go back to my girlfriend now..." The military guy then proceeded to tell us his life story, including about his wife who past away...yeah, OK, a little bit TMI, thanks. THEN, his super drunk friends came over, and one of them told us a joke, that he said was sooooo funny it would "make us poop." Well, the punch line was really stupid, but the 10 minute lead up was hilarious, only because this guy was so drunk and walking back and forth in front of us doing weird body movements in accordance to the joke. Meanwhile, one of the wait staff kept grabbing his butt, and finally the guy got mad, not because of the butt grabbing, but because it was messing up his joke...don't ask don't tell, I guess. After finally finishing the joke, it was time for the guys to get back to the barracks because of curfew, so we said goodbye to them.


After they left, I asked the butt-grabbing waiter if he was gay, and he said, "NOOOOO!" Well, in Japan, guys do grope each other an awful lot just for fun, so I suppose he was telling the truth. In response to my question, he asked if I was a lesbian (he knew the word in English too), to which I responded, "No, are you?" To which he responded, "Yes!"

Me: "So, you like girls?"
Waiter: "Yes."
Me: "And you have boobs?"
Waiter: "Yes. Don't touch me!!!!"

So, as it turned out, no matter what other ridiculous/inappropriate question I asked him, he would answer "yes."
Another example:
Me: (after looking at his nametag) So, your name is 'Hikaru?' That is a pretty hosty name, are you a host?
Lesbian Waiter: "Yes."
Me: How much do you cost?
LW: A million yen for 30 seconds. (then in English) 30 minutes!!!
Guess he has a English language special...lucky for me.


One of the bartender's names was Atsushi and we were harrassing him as well. I asked if his name meant atsui (hot) sushi...he told us no, but LW assured us that, yes, in fact "Atsushi" means "Atsui Sushi."


Some other guys came in and sat in the seats next to us...our next victims, so we talked to them for awhile. We had them try to guess where we were from, and for the life of them, they could not guess where I am from. They first guessed Russia (which I actually get quite a lot here) to which I responded, "No way, do I look like a hostess to you!?" (in Japan, if there is a foreign hostess/prostitute, most likely she is Russian) haha...it's funny because it's racist.

Anyway, they then went on to guess a bunch of other countries-- Sweden, New Zealand, Australia, Canada, etc. Finally V said, "I'll give you a hint...She is from North America, but not Mexico or Canada..." And, they still couldn't guess, so they just gave up. I am not even kidding, though I wish I were...they said they were grad students...hmmm...really? In the end, I think everybody, including the bartenders all still thought I was from Russia by the end of the night, even though I insisted several times that I wasn't.


After the grad students had to go back home (they still live with their parents), we got back to talking with the staff again. They brought out a big stack of pictures from their recent company vacation at the beach. There were a TON of pictures of Atsui Sushi naked, covering his junk with a shell and sitting on the dirtiest, nastiest gray sand I have ever seen...they must have gone to Chlamydia Beach. So, of course, I pocketed one of the pictures... Unfortunately, there were no photos of LW naked, but I did find this little gem:

Simply, adorable. When I showed him the picture, he did the pose live.

Around that time, I also noticed a sign in the bathroom saying that on rainy days, the bar offered a special "free rainy day dessert present." It was raining, so of course, I asked LW about it, about 30 minutes later, we were presented with these adorable crepes:

They are in the shape of "teru teru bozu," a charm that people put outside in order to ward off rain.


So, those are the high-lights of our evening, and we will deffinately go back again!


**I didn't post the naked Atsui Sushi picture, because I don't wanna get kicked of blogspot for posting adult material...and also it isn't a very nice thing to do to him because he was really nice. BUT, if you really want to see it (and let me warn you, it is shocking...and hilarious) send me an email and I can send you the picture.